Blonde locks give way to wiry greys. Shadows under my eyes. My face creased with memories of having lived. My necklines are higher these days and my hems lower. I can’t remember the last time I braved anything shorter than Knee length. Stretch marks score the places that strained and gave way to hold and nourish life – evidence of the belonging of these 4 babes that sleep under my roof. Every curve giving way to gravity, my confidence droops along with it. I frown at my reflection. Check the scales more than I should and vow to apply more eye cream then I did last year in vain attempt to stop time.
I am lost to motherhood and endless laundry. Blessed beyond measure but lost amid the blessings and the responsibilities of this season of little ones and teenagers.
I know true beauty is not external but from the heart. I preach this over my own daughters time and again in the hopes it penetrates and hedges their souls from the pain and bondage of comparison ….. and yet the knowing of this does not stop my mind from questioning, Who is this woman gazing back at me? This reflection, an expert at highlighting all the faults and failings and none of the joy from the journey.
Am I enough?
Do I satisfy?
I long to be cherished. My heart longs to know its worth. I have discovered that looking to this world, this life, this love of mine for these answers is a flawed remedy. The human heart is unstable, to easily swayed on the tides of emotion and circumstance. This human love leaves me wanting, waiting, unsatisfied and ultimately betrayed and I am sinking …
Years of love and laughter contrasted with seasons of struggle and strife. Loss leads me to this place of pondering, re-evaluating, taking stock.
I am a wife. Half my life lived in this role, a mother, daughter, friend .. but what is my worth?
Unconsciously I’ve tried and failed to ground my feet on the impressions of others. Their provision falls short. It’s still not enough.
I turn to the scriptures and seek once again to secure my identity in him who created me.
My soul breathes in hope…
fearfully and wonderfully made
clothed in dignity
daughter of the king
beloved – cherished – chosen – set apart
restored – redeemed – sanctified…
This is where I want to be. This is home to me. This is love unequaled, uncompromised, unfailing. This is where life begins to draw breath anew. Hope is reborn.
My God in relentless pursuit of his daughter. His love unconditional. How does my reality change if I choose to accept these truths and apply them to myself disregarding all others?
My reflection once impossibly flawed now divinely created.
This heart that is weary to him is beloved.
This heavy laden existence in him full of promise.
My worth more precious than diamonds to one who laid down his life for mine.
My identity solidifies as I preach these truths over my own failing heart. Wife, mother, lover all true but still so much more …. warrior victorious, priceless and cherished. Captivating, Beloved and adored. Created, destined, Chosen. His precious one.
My pen scribes these words and like flint ignites a spark.My heart holds the flame. Hope reborn, strength renewed, feet finally finding that solid ground beneath them.
Then it occurred to me …….
When I find my true worth and identity in the one God who loves me, I step out of my narrative and into his.
Destiny awaits when I truly accept all he has done for me and all he says I am to him. It is in my damaged places that he meets me. Breathing life, love, victory, and abundance into my brokenness. Restoring me and I find my fit, my home, and my belonging once again.