I did a hard thing today…an afternoon at the dentist and my face is still numb! One gigantic filling later and I’ve realized giving in to my fears and letting them control me ( total dental phobia to the point of vomiting, I kid you not !) has meant I have avoided dealing with this issue for far to long and as a result the fixing up of me is going to be painful both financially and physically .
Seems to me I do this a lot .. I expend a lot of energy trying to avoid the triggers .. avoid the pain … avoid the conflict, the possible rejection.Preferring to patch it up, put a good face on and maybe it will go a bit further, last a bit longer. Maybe it will skate through unnoticed? But the truth is there is no real healing, just prolonging and compounding the inevitable. No more! Truth in all its ugly rawness whilst not pain-free it is at the least authentic!
Today I was honest. I showed up. All the while authentically freaking out! I’ve holes in my palm from digging the nails of my hand so hard into my skin to distract myself from the primal desire to bolt or throw up.But I did it! Survived the fear. Beat my flesh into submission and received the restoration. It took just 5 minutes more of bravery then I had attempted before.5 minutes more and the fear subsided giving way to that inner voice that spoke encouragingly “Look, you’re doing it !”
Maybe that is all any of it will take? Maybe instead of avoiding the hard things all it might take is just 5 minutes more of standing firm .. 5 minutes more of holding my tongue .. 5 minutes more of loving … 5 minutes more of prayer …5 minutes more before the breakthrough … Its been a rough season around here of late.But if I look at tomorrow in increments of 5-minute bundles .. I can do it!
God is faithful .. and I am learning to do hard things.I am learning he will not ask of me anything more than what I am capable of with him by my side . I am learning the depths of my own capacity and the abundance of his love and grace for me. And I can do it, just 5 minutes more.
Night shift 