Deep water .

A ‘ for sale ‘ sign is all it took and now we are in freefall over the edge.

Doors close on our life as we sign it over and go in search of a new home to make our own .

Half a life. Half a legacy. Half is what we have to start again .

Half is not what I seek to find .
Wholeness, fullness and completion  is what I’m looking for .

Life has been cyclonic at best .
These last years have been pain unparalleled and have stretched my faith and capacity beyond what I ever thought Id walk .

To get back up again and again when all I’ve wanted was endless sleep has taken its toll…

Knowing little hearts needed holding has been the catalyst that kept me reaching out , showing up and doing what needed to be done.

Somehow through the haze of salty tears, brokenness and rage we’ve come through together not as damaged as before.

Life stopped short, hearts shattered .. Identity torn apart . 

Our world spun on its axis and tumbled to the very end of everything that was solid ground. Balancing on the edge itself I find myself with a choice ..

Stay here precarious and raise my girls or jump, risk freefall and land in the unknown.
Dive wilfully into the deep in search of freedom itself.

Jump we did and the deep is where we find ourselves and I’m no stranger here .
I’ve been in over my head plenty of times before. But never out this far.

This has been a season of total reckoning .This instability has shaken every facet of our lives. Circumstance keeps my feet from touching bottom still and the waves keep thundering overhead .

I have felt drowned on more then one occasion .Totally incompetent for the tasks at hand .
Yet out here in the deep is where I am .

The risk however seems to be paying off …

Faith held our heads above the water line. Breathed life to stifled lungs .

Grace extended hands that bore us back to the surface time and time again and spoke life to our broken hearts .

Love is buoyancy.

Truth cuts the weights that lies tied around our feet threatening to drag us under.

In the deep out beyond the breakers its were freedom exists.
Beyond reason and security .
Beyond the trials and torments of broken trust and damaged hearts .
Beyond fury and manipulation .
Beyond the lies that sort to use us up and drown us totally.
Beyond the crashing waves is the deep.

The deep requires faith to venture into . 
Faith to duck dive under breakers time and time again with the hope that once we pass the impact zone calm waters will exist.

As the tide washes out around us we pickup momentum moving faster through the channels taking us deeper still .

To my surprise I’m finding the snorkel and life raft I’ve been clinging to so desperately evaporating …
No longer do I need a life preserver to exist out here.
Im growing gills and fins and scales all at once at lightning speed as faith exercised increases in volume filling the internal voids.
Driving away that doubt and unbelief.

The deep becomes my home and there’s freedom being found out so far from safeties shore .

Here in the deep our existence rests solely grace and not the whims of another but in mercies own heart and my own two hands.

The deep is liberating.
This in-between of almost free and not quiet home is space to dare to dream new dreams and  pray new prayers.

There’s room here to stretch out in this faith now unchained and no longer weighted down.

I can lift my voice here loud ..no need to edit my thoughts or silence my declarations.

The timid washes away and courage takes hold in its place.
The deep no longer scares me ..
I’ve found my fit in a leap of faith .

What shores we wash up on are yet to be seen…
Where home is I don’t yet know .  There’s process and protocol to follow here that leaves us resting on faith alone as practically our hands are tied for a little longer.

But the deep is calmer now.
Beckoning us farther out again .
As horizons fade away from view so do the limitations I had placed around our lives .
From here our tomorrows are infinite in possibilities.
Intrigue as to what’s to come now drives us forward .
Cautious excitement is seeping into the places that once held anxieties narrative.

For everything we’ve lost and grieved what’s coming promises to outweigh that pain with joyful new beginnings and fresh starts ahead .

Tides turning once again.
Love lights the way home.