Phone calls come unbeckoned. Same trigger, same lines, same tears, same audible ache , same half spoken regrets…
Followed by the same empty promises that vanish as quickly as the air it took to speak them.
You were always false hope. Always heart ache.
After all these years the silence still speaks more honestly than words. The truth has always been in what you did not say .
Surviving you taught me to read the unspoken. To discern the air between the tangible.. Its an art I have mastered.
Like those inhales you take to regroup and edit the words before they spill out.
Inhales are risk assessments of honesty.
Truth and nicotine are rationed on the inhale. Some is held to share , just enough to breathe a little connection and raise compassion in me. The rest is drawn into your lungs only to absorb back into the depths of you ,never seeing daylight. Its almost an artform, how seamlessly , heartlessly you do this.
You want desperately to be free of your secrets. To be seen and still loved. Yet lack the courage to own your story, fearing rejection.
Surely you know, I already know it all. The length and breadth of a life built on lies. The depths you sank too. I’m aware. There’s no secrets left. Symptomatic of small town life and a heart that closed her eyes to hope and went in search of truth instead.
Sentences fall half spoken,
Your silent struggle is louder than you think.
You pay the price. Deciding the half truths that will save face are worth the cost of a life lost.
The expense of maintaining reputation is a foolish investment that gives back nothing but isolation and pain. Its false insurance, time limited, and you know it.
It steals promise of a life lived full from you and the years continue to be squandered.
But did you see it steal from them too? Do you even weigh up the price paid by little hearts?
The half truths and hidden life is toxic to little hearts that need to be loved and like oil and water it won’t mix.
No moving from this place of stuck… This endless revolving cycle that somehow keeps us tethered despite the efforts to shatter every bond.
Endless carousels of a broken life ….and you try desperately to redeem it all by spinning new webs and stepping between skins never knowing who you are..
You present preening like a peacock running with the trends but arrogance is ugly. No tangible beauty. Nothing to be proud of. Integrity and honesty always looked better on you .
You exhale as reality hits, breathing the hope out mixed with cigarette smoke and its lost. The realisation of all you’ve done weighs down life, crushing you slowly, squeezing out any traces of light… and you are resigned to this!?
The pain its causing you is unfathomable. This caged existence isn’t enough. Bars made of pride and shame mandate division and you cant break free. Torment doesn’t end.
What used to numb the sting doesn’t work anymore. Grief plays out in anger. What was enchanted is no longer .The spell broken but your in so deep.
Silent tears make noise to hearts who’ve trained to hear them . I hear them run ,drowning you .Do you know liquid pain is liquid prayers ? Do you know silent tears are counted too and just as weighty as holy spoken platitudes ?
I can’t fathom why but you’ve made your bed amongst the dead and despite the flames all-around would rather burn than admit defeat and reach out for redemptions hand.
You call seeking to find some solace in my voice. It’s still me you reach for . But it’s all lost. Dust by your hand… Our hearts along with it.. Half a life shattered. Every moment that was precious now pain filled.
Do you know the memories are packed away? If I could wipe the store house of my mind I would… I wait for bittersweet, but its still MIA .
How I pray that you find a different path… That you lift your gaze from the reflection your so desperate to preserve long enough to see truth, learn what it is to walk in it and have it set you free.
We are created for freedom yet all you possess are chains. A counterfeit cycle of misery .
We are crafted for truth not for saving face. Not skin deep contentment but the fullness of soul deep life.
Truth will set you free and herald in the peace you seek.
You were always meant for more than this.
If you won’t see that, please ,Let me go!