Deep water .

A ‘ for sale ‘ sign is all it took and now we are in freefall over the edge.

Doors close on our life as we sign it over and go insearch of a new home to make our own .

Half a life. Half a legacy. Half is what we have to start again .

Half is not what I seek to find .
Wholeness, fullness and completion  is what Im looking for .

Life has been cyclonic at best .
These last years have been pain unparalleled and have stretched my faith and capacity beyond what I ever thought Id walk .

To get back up again and again when all I’ve wanted was endless sleep has taken its toll…

Knowing little hearts needed holding has been the catalyst that kept me reaching out , showing up and doing what needed to be done.

Somehow through the haze of salty tears, brokenness and rage we’ve come through together not as damaged as before.

Life stopped short, hearts shattered .. Identity torn apart . 

Our world spun on its axis and tumbled to the very end of everything that was solid ground. Balancing on the edge itself I find myself with a choice ..

Stay here precarious and raise my girls or jump, risk freefall and land in the unknown.
Dive willfully into the deep insearch of freedom itself.

Jump we did and the deep is where we find ourselves and Im no stranger here .
Ive been in over my head plenty of times before. But never out this far.

This has been a season of total reckoning .This instability has shaken every facet of our lives. Circumstance keeps my feet from touching bottom still and the waves keep thundering overhead .

I have felt drowned on more then one occasion .Totally incompetant for the tasks at hand .
Yet out here in the deep is where I am .

The risk however seems to be paying off …

Faith held our heads above the water line. Breathed life to stifled lungs .

Grace extended hands that bore us back to the surface time and time again and spoke life to our broken hearts .

Love is boyancy.

Truth cuts the weights that lies tied around our feet threatening to drag us under.

In the deep out beyond the breakers its were freedom exists.
Beyond reason and security .
Beyond the trials and torments of broken trust and damaged hearts .
Beyond fury and manipulation .
Beyond the lies that sort to use us up and drown us totally.
Beyond the crashing waves is the deep.

The deep requires faith to venture into . 
Faith to duck dive under breakers time and time again with the hope that once we pass the impact zone calm waters will exist.

As the tide washes out around us we pickup momentum moving faster through the channels taking us deeper still .

To my suprise Im finding the snorkle and life raft I’ve been clinging to so desperately evaporating …
No longer do I need a lifepreserver to exist out here.
Im growing gills and fins and scales all at once at lightning speed as faith excersized increases in volume filling the internal voids.
Driving away that doubt and unbelief.

The deep becomes my home and theres freedom being found out so far from safeties shore .

Here in the deep our existence rests solely grace and not the whims of another but in mercies own heart and my own two hands.

The deep is liberating.
This inbetween of almost free and not quiet home is space to dare to dream new dreams and  pray new prayers.

Theres room here to stretch out in this faith now unchained and no longer weighted down.

I can lift my voice here loud need to edit my thoughts or silence my declarations.

The timid washes away and courage takes hold in its place.
The deep no longer scares me ..
I’ve found my fit in a leap of faith .

What shores we wash up on are yet to be seen…
Where home is I dont yet know .  Theres process and protocal to follow here that leaves us resting on faith alone as practically our hands are tied for a little longer.

But the deep is calmer now.
Beckoning us farther out again .
As horizons fade away from view so do the limitations I had placed around our lives .
From here our tomorrows are infinite in possibilities.
Intrigue as to whats to come now drives us forward .
Cautious excitement is seeping into the places that once held anxieties narrative.

For everything we’ve lost and grieved whats coming promises to outweigh that pain with joyful new beginings and fresh starts ahead .

Tides turning once again.
Love lights the way home.


Truth dear heart is absolute, not subjective.

It does not come in shades of grey…changeable like stage costumes. It is seldom choreographed, never rehearsed….it does not fear exposure.

Viewing truth from different angles does not change its composition .

Its solid, not vapor.

It stands alone sure footed not needing to survive afloat on the slanderous tear downs of another.

What is,is.

All the lies on earth don’t change the facts .

Truth is buoyant. You can’t keep it sunken down, no matter how hard you try .

Fakery breeds false comfort .Its the calm before the storm.

Even truth seekers can be deceived if the lies are comfortable enough to snuggle down into.

If they support the picture dear hearts crave to hold then we dive in blindly mesmerized by possibility and empty promises.

And can you blame us ?

I’ve jumped to by a line.Led by love and the false hope the lie birthed.

I, who should have known better ,sort truth and brought the lie, the con, the scam…..price paid but to late to avoid collateral damage.

Did you know crocodile tears aren’t just shed by crocodiles? Consider them costume jewelry ,all a part of the show.

Oh dear hearts, please learn from my mistakes!

Please learn to not just see but seek it out .That truth amongst the tangled webs ,even if its hard to swallow.

For these little hearts that I hold so close I pray they always value honesty above all else.

That they love fiercely and forgive freely but are wise enough to spot deception a mile off and bold enough to call it out .

I want them to know that forgiveness is the holy home of freedom .

I pray they are less easily fooled then I.

That they know their worth is based on the intrinsic value of their soul and nothing else.

That they are ever loved !

That they are wiser then I .

That they have compassion for broken ones but safe enough regard for self to not be broken down by them.

I pray they have courage enough to know their limits ,brave enough to hold firm boundaries.

To know there is more honor in a painful truth then face saving white lies.

To be brave enough to be authentic always .To never loose their fight.

To never compromise their values or sell their souls for transient things.

To know the difference between real hope and empty words that only offer make believe.

I strive to teach them to see souls ,not faces .Not eyes and hands but hearts . To see the scars and the landscapes of those inner places that make us who we are .

To know the power that they hold and to always use it justly.

For them to know compassion ,forgiveness and truth will always take us further then bitterness and anger but that anger has its place … just don’t stay there to long.

That grace and mercy are divinely given into overflow when called up on.

To see the worth of showing up for hard conversations and the merit in asking harder questions .

To try to always speak truth in love.

That love is a gift ,but trust is earnt ….and to never sell themselves short in that regard.

That hearts do break but then they heal .

That fires don’t always mean destruction but can refine hearts and lives into the purest form .

To not fear the storms just because we feel the wind and rain.

That there are better days ahead.

That they are worthy of love , of truth , of respect and dignity.

To settle for nothing less.

That life is hard , but God is good and tomorrow always comes.


Seems courage is missing ….fear takes place as counterfiet memories rampage through  distorting a  mind …

Grass is always greener elsewhere and its true for a while till you realise that all green lawns are labour intensive .

Shame and guilt arrive and unpack suitcases settling in and making them selves comfy .. they are here to haunt and sabotage the lifeline and steal the light of hope .

They breathe fakery ..spawning lies and mindgames that spew venom onto holy hearts .

But it doesnt stick .

Holy hearts are held in hands of grace and they know truth from disfunction .Refusing to be drawn into the twisted games of broken down queens .

Prefering to stand apart . Staying sweet , honest and open .

Heavens own hand fights for these beloved ones , theres no need to muddy ourselves in this mess .

Sweetness and truth hold strength unparalleled. Grace allows one to be bent perhaps but never broken .

The storms serve only to strengthen our roots .. sending them deeper still .

Heavens life force flows through them .Unmoveable . Unshaken . Undeterred.

This isnt were the road seemed to lead .. but hands of grace guide us through illuminating futures bright …and its ok this detoured road .

No fear lives here . Regret and sorrow dont get to take up space but are moved out as quickly as they arrived .

So the adventure continues.

Having learnt long ago what love is and what it isnt makes this space only blessed .

Love releases… lets go ..fighting for a heart doesnt make it yours .

Never trust a heart that had to be drawn, seduced manipulated or tempted into residence .

Love is freely given . Freely recieved .Held loosely and wishes blessing not curses .

Love doesnt control or manipulate. Doesnt hunt down threatening spreading lies and rumores wide .

Love is not obsession .
Love is not toxic does not poision .

It holds space . Stays in grace and releases out, breathing blessings for the road ahead .

Love never fails .. it doesnt damage ..doesnt lie ..doesnt break the hearts its bound to care for .

Those things never flow from one who loves …only from hearts that have lost themselves in swirls of deception and vicious cycles of disfunction.

Grace teaches truth . Teaches hearts to recognise love when they encounter it .

Life is heavy without grace carrying the weight . This heart does not  pretend to have it all figured out but is thankful the weight of the walk is shared load.

In our joy and in our pain there is stablity as we are planted deep in heavens heart unmovable , protected , sure footed .

So here we stand …5 again not 6. Praying sight to the blind . Mercy to the broken and blessing over the ones that curse us ..This is how we walk contrary to this life .This is heavens way .


RUINS derelict and abandon. Came upon them by suprise, silent and unsort.

This wasnt really where I pictured us. After all this holy ground is ruined city, desolate and unkept.

Its been looted and vandalised to an extent that if you didnt know what stood here before it would be unrecognisable .

This landscape is pretty badly beaten up, I wont lie.

Ruins are full of ragged edges. Shards of glass stick out here and there at odd angles .Fallen beams and broken staircases are a trip hazard and we tread carefully trying to weave a path through the wreakage and come out the other end without more damage then before.

By faith, eyes are able to see through the distortion…percieving like  visionaries the beauty that could stand .

Before the earth shook down this city, before the vandals attacked her walls and war broke out.

She was once beautiful.
Full of promise.
Built for delight and home and heart and family.

She nursed dreams within her walls. Laughter rung out and adventures were seeded deep in her gardens waiting for the time to sprout, grow, leaf and fruit.. but it never came.

Winter fell heavy.
Those dreams froze deep in the earth .Spring never arrived . 

Wars raged around her.She became collateral damage to the surrounding disfunction.

Her foundations,always a little sketchy, cracked apart and she crumbled

Heart left the city and it was turned over to whomever felt entitled to rampage her walls.

Now back here we stand beholding ruins and wondering where to start.

It seems that even the harshest winters never really last .Spring always comes and those deep seeded dreams aren’t dead at all to our suprise but amongst the chaos and cracked open earth have felt the sun and sprouted up in search of light.

Within this shattered landscape life breathes again.

Hope like seedlings springs up in the most unlikely places and although the envirionment is ragged still, we find it punctuated with the vibrance of possibilities regrowth.

Wisdom, grace and insight is desperately sort to know where to begin .
This is a restoration project of epic proportion and building on broken-down foundations is a fools game .

We aim to build it slow and right.
Taking time to ensure steadfast footings.
To clear the clutter and remove the rubble.

To see the space to draft new blueprints and begin again with guidance of an architects eye and hand.

To build sturdy castles here in this landscape is the dream.With stronger  boundry lines that keep the vandals out and higher towers to gaze futher into the future then we could see before.

To dream impossible dreams and plant them like seeds deep in fertile grounds.

To tend these gardens well and have them bare holy fruit for generations on.

Healthy strong cities birth legacy and hold high the hearts that follow in the labourours wake.

What once was impossible now seems tangible.We dare to forge the path that is seldom walked .

Its said nothing worth doing is ever easy, what is easy never lasts.

This restoration is far from effortless but we are standing tall believing the sweat and tears are blessed.

Healing after all is seldom pretty. But much like reconstruction fortification is a nesassary element.

Foundations now built on hope and heart trusting the rest will follow.

Such is life that when we find our feet and learn the landscape, the earth turns suddenly and all that was is at once undone .

Faith allows sight to see these ruins for what that are and yet overlay them with what will be .

Holding fast to what was is staying stuck in ruins desolate.
Instead we choose to take a leap and start a journey deep into new beginings.

Forgiveness ends wars , takes power back from vandels hands .
It offers clean slate. Its the gift that rewrites a new tomorrow. Birthing future in her wake .

All thats required is the courage to chase down the truth, Catching hold of light and choose to see beyond the present mess and futher into tomorrow.

5 minutes more

alarm alarm clock analog analogue
Photo by Pixabay on

I did a hard thing today…an afternoon at the dentist and my face is still numb! One gigantic filling later and I’ve realized giving in to my fears and letting them control me ( total dental phobia to the point of vomiting, I kid you not !) has meant I have avoided dealing with this issue for far to long and as a result the fixing up of me is going to be painful both financially and physically .

Seems to me I do this a lot .. I expend a lot of energy trying to avoid the triggers .. avoid the pain … avoid the conflict, the possible rejection.Preferring to patch it up, put a good face on and maybe it will go a bit further, last a bit longer. Maybe it will skate through unnoticed? But the truth is there is no real healing, just prolonging and compounding the inevitable. No more! Truth in all its ugly rawness whilst not pain-free it is at the least authentic!

Today I was honest. I showed up. All the while authentically freaking out! I’ve holes in my palm from digging the nails of my hand so hard into my skin to distract myself from the primal desire to bolt or throw up.But I did it! Survived the fear. Beat my flesh into submission and received the restoration. It took just 5 minutes more of bravery then I had attempted before.5 minutes more and the fear subsided giving way to that inner voice that spoke encouragingly “Look, you’re doing it !”

Maybe that is all any of it will take? Maybe instead of avoiding the hard things all it might take is just 5 minutes more of standing firm .. 5 minutes more of holding my tongue .. 5 minutes more of loving … 5 minutes more of prayer …5 minutes more before the breakthrough … Its been a rough season around here of late.But if I look at tomorrow in increments of 5-minute bundles .. I can do it!

God is faithful .. and I am learning to do hard things.I am learning he will not ask of me anything more than what I am capable of with him by my side . I am learning the depths of my own capacity and the abundance of his love and grace for me. And I can do it, just 5 minutes more.